Sunday, 19 September 2010

Faking it...?

The lowest ebb; we've all been there. Submerged in debt, suffocated by a job that couldn't be classed as a career and reminded of your shortcomings on a daily basis by smug "friends", associates and people under thirty who won't stop buying houses, travelling the world or doing jobs they actually enjoy, things are pretty sour. Short of bailiffs turning up the office to demand payment on your Topshop card, this is as bleak as it gets for your middle class graduate very late twentysomething. Wallowing at the bottom of a bottle of Pinot Noir (you've seen Sideways) at 3am, the only answer is a bit of death fakery. A new start. A new life. A chance to delete all those non-entity acquaintances for good. No debt. Maybe you could try an accent? Dye your hair. Reinvent yourself. Make up a colourful back story. As long as you don't commit life insurance fraud like Mr Canoe (and you're not organised enough to have a life insurance policy anyway) I'm pretty sure its not fully illegal.
Before getting all posthumous there are a few bullet points to bear in mind, and these are they:

• Bank account. Either clear it very gradually over the course of a year - hiding a tenner or two in a pillow case each week - or forget it entirely. Given your state of mind its probably empty/negative anyway and a wholesale account emptying stinks of fake death. Any employment you might get in your new life should involve living above the premises and being paid in kind. Digital money is a right little tattle-tale.

• Pre-death behaviour. The text book fake death is disappearance coupled with irrevocable accident/disaster. Burnt car in ditch is the default method. In this instance just try and act normally (this will be difficult given you'll be well excited about embarking on the lie of a life/death time). If you want to attempt the more ambitious 'suicide' option (for which you'll need a dead homeless doppelganger with identical dental records) you can afford to act a bit odd before passing over. Your call.

• Loved ones. Tough one this; if you really like them tell them of your plan and get them to meet you in Paraguay before returning the UK on a slow asylum boat from Santander and seeing out your days living in a secret apartment under the house. If you're indifferent (which is more likely given your rock-bottom self esteem has led you to believe no one could ever love you thus leading to you keeping everyone at arm's length) leave them to mourn you quickly and modestly before moving on with their lives. Just don't try and befriend them on Facebook using your new Hispanic persona.

So that's it. Good luck. Or 'bon chance' as you may be saying from now on; it is beneficial to have a decent grasp of another language before attempting this. Trying to pass yourself off as German and getting your inanimate object genders mixed up will get you found out pretty quickly.

Lets face it though, we know you'll never have the bottle to actually go through with it. A personality as flakey and flighty as yours will have settled on another way out by this time tomorrow...or worse still decided to live through your turgid, grey, monotonous third-gear life until you die for real.

But until then, chin up!

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